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Ugly Car Race – 24 Hours of LeMons – Ignores Signs – Messes With Texas

2008-08-04 13:32:00

Ugly Car Race – 24 Hours of LeMons – Ignores Signs – Messes With Texas

                      Endurance event for $500 junkers

                   Will infest Houston on 18-19 October.

    HOUSTON, Aug. 4 /EMWNews/ -- Flagrantly disregarding the "Don't Mess

With Texas" signs posted throughout the state, the 24 Hours of LeMons -- a

wild and whacky, cult-hit endurance race for cars that cost $500 or less --

is scheduled to uglify Houston on 18-19 October.

    "LeMons race cars display gangrenous rust scabs, rattle-can paint jobs,

flatulent engines, and other aesthetically unpleasant features," said Jay

Lamm, creator and chief perpetrator of the nationwide clunker series. "We

thus advise all Texans of a sensitive nature to avoid MSR Houston, a

racetrack just south of Houston in Angleton, Texas, between Friday, 17

October and Monday, 20 October." Local residents have also been warned

about slovenly, over-aged fat guys stuffed into tight fireproof driving

suits. Lamm continued, "Under no circumstances whatsoever should local

racing fans spend $20 at the gate for an all-access pass and cheer on these

nutjobs in person. That just encourages them."

    According to Lamm, the impending arrival of 90 dirt-cheap endurance

racing cars has also strained already tense US/Mexico relations in the

region. Fearing that the event's toxic aesthe­tics and huge cloud of beer

fumes might spill out beyond Texas, Mexico's Department of Interior has

requested a temporary suspension of NAFTA and begun hastily building its

own border fence south of the Rio Grande. Affirms one consular officer,

"For the first time in 150 years, we're delighted we no longer own Texas."

    Lamm, a well-known San Francisco based automotive troublemaker, created

LeMons two years ago after receiving a sharp blow to the head with a wheel

hammer. Initially conceived as a parody of Europe's famed 24 Hours of Le

Mans, LeMons has gone on to outdo its French rival with high-tech advances

such as a race car entirely covered in fur; a team of drivers all dressed

as 1970s pimps and escorts; and mandatory aerodynamic penalties with cars

in the shape of pigs, squirrels and mating frogs.

    To learn more about this race, or to enter, or just waste some time at

the office, go to

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Blake Masterson

Freelance Writer, Journalist and Father of 5

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